McDonald Forest 7.2k Race Report

The McDonald Forest 50k was yesterday.  This is an event I typically participate in because it’s very well run and VERY near my home.  Plus, the race includes trails that I know like the back of my hand.  That being said I made the tough decision to pull out of the race early (aka, DNF – Did Not Finish).

For me I was using the Mac 50k as a way to check in with myself to see how the increased volume over the last several months was metabolizing in my legs and body.  Tabbed as a C-race (training race) I went into it with what I thought to be very few expectations.  Coming out of it, with a DNF in hand, I was given a much-needed wake up call for several reasons.  I had to get real and honest with myself.

1). Blood-work – just a couple of weeks ago I drew blood, for the first time in years, to see if there were any red flags that needed attention.  Two things popped up that gave me concern.  First, my testosterone levels are significantly below the average for runners.  Secondly, my hematocrit count is low.  My mistake in receiving these results early, before my follow-up appointment with my doctor, was that I did  MY OWN research as to what the results meant.  Bad idea.  Within 5 minutes of reaserching I was convinced that I had the Ryan Hall syndrome with chronic fatigue and anemia. For me, I should’ve waited to go over them with a professional so that I could get an accurate assessment as to what my numbers meant.  Therefore, yesterday, it was in the back of my head that something was drastically wrong with my body.  Luckily my follow-up appointment is the next week so I will have some concrete clarity as to what I need to do, if anything, to manage my numbers.  Lesson learned – don’t get on google with numbers you don’t understand and come to your own diagnosis.  My therapist warned me against this and I didn’t pay attention.

2). Injury – I haven’t been 100% healthy in a few weeks.  Then again, who  really is? I know that in our sport there is a certain level of pain tolerance involved.  However, yesterday, my left knee/calf was being wonky and I made the decision to respect the bigger picture in this venture and call it quits early before I made it worse.  I’m sure I could’ve kept going to get in a solid training run but doing so may have spelled greater injury and un-wanted long-term consequences.

3).  Ego – I thought that I had been doing a good job managing my ego lately but yesterday uncovered a glaring hole in this work.  One mile into the race my friend Cary turned to me and said that we had covered the first mile in roughly 5 minutes and 30 seconds.  “Fuck” I thought.  When the hell did 50k’s become more akin to marathons?  By the way I have never in my life run a 5:30 mile, ever.  Speed like that is not my strength. My ego wouldn’t let go of the faster guys in the front.  Therefore, I suffered.

4). Legs – By the top of the Powderhouse climb my legs were completely thrashed.  As in, I couldn’t move them, at all.  I cannot ever remember having that kind of sensation. My good friend Emily caught up to me at that point and mentioned she was happy to recover on the downhill.  In agreement, while heading down the descent, I literally could not move.  My legs felt like I was running in quicksand.  I had nothing to give.  Maybe it had to do with running the fastest mile of my life within the first mile of the race?  Yes, that played into it and also probably played a part in my further aggravated left leg.  Another cause for this is that I had not yet recovered from the last training block that finished up the week before.

So, what’s next?  For me it starts by reintegrating a sense of mindfulness to help me manage my ego that resurfaced yesterday.  In running out of control, being dictated by other people’s pace, I did not do myself any favors.  I know this for a fact. Next, I need to take care of my body.  This week is all about getting checked out to make sure I’m healthy heading into a huge adventure filled summer in preparation for Pine to Palm 100.  Lastly, I would  like to get an understanding of what my blood-work means, without the guidance of the damn internet.  That is a must.

In the past I would have felt like the world was crashing down on me if I didn’t have a good race.  In that respect I feel that I’ve come a long way as racing is not the only reason why I run, in fact, it’s not even in the top 3 reasons as to why I run.  Every experience at a race, or in life, can be an opportunity to learn about oneself.  I’m glad that I can see this more clearly.  Sure, I was pissed off for a bit.  Luckily, not soon thereafter, I was able to work through the annoyance of not finishing and process what I need to do to get back in the saddle to focus on the things that really matter to me this year.

So the process and journey continues….

 

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Sneak Peek: Excerpt from chapter one of my memoir, My Friend Addiction

Chapter 1: The Road to Nowhere 

November 21st, 2013

Fridays before game days in Corvallis are my favorite. While working at the Hilton, the biggest hotel in Corvallis, I was privy to all of the pre-game action and anticipation for the upcoming football game. UW (University of Washington) was in town the following day to square off against the OSU (Oregon State University) Beavers.  David, my boss, and I had scored sideline tickets through the Beavs director of operations under current coach, Mike Riley. The last two football seasons, largely because of my role as Director of Sales at the Hilton, I had close ties with many of the OSU athletic teams. Having backdoor access to OSU that I did during those years fueled my ego to the fullest. I prided myself off of being known in the hard-to-break circle of coaches, donors, and athletes. I began to believe the assumption that I was pretty goddamned important.

Once my duties were tidied up that day before the game I snuck out the back door of the hotel to start “my weekend.” Football weekends were special to me. They were my reward for working so hard throughout the week. Plus, due to my sales team’s efforts that year, we were crushing our numbers in terms of our budget. So, why not leave a little early to get the party started? I deserved it.

This particular weekend was going to be extra fun and delinquent as I had several friends from Portland and Bend visiting for the game. With the glorious feelings of the impending excess that was about to occur, I quickly made my way to the nearest corner market down Western Ave. After picking a couple of stout IPA’s, I snuck into the yard in back of the store, where the homeless tend to congregate and sleep, found a nice patch of lawn overlooking Reser Stadium, to sit and drink, relishing in the fact of how far up the ladder of importance I had climbed in this little Oregon college town. Once this train of thought had sufficiently fed my ego, I called some friends to meet them out for drinks to continue some well-earned debauchery.

After having drunk myself blind the previous night, I woke up on Saturday morning not having a clue where my car was. Fuck, I must have left it downtown. I threw on my Orange and Black Beavs gear to go retrieve my car and pick up where I had left off the night before. The excitement continued to build as the texts from friends, who were on their way to Corvallis, began to stream in. This was standard operating procedure for most game weekends. Friends plus booze plus football games equaled all of the fun. The only way I could process the excitement was to swing by 7-11 and paper bag an IPA on my way downtown to pick up my ride. I must have looked classy as hell.

Later that afternoon, leading up to kickoff time, I had once again found myself clearly overstepping the bounds of intoxication. I had corralled all of my friends into the parking lot behind my hotel to partake in a hour of Carlos Rossi. I vaguely remember who was actually there; maybe my friends Rob and Mary?  my buddy Cole?  All I did know was that the gallon of wine that I had in my hand had to be finished by kickoff. I was cleverly persistent in making sure that would happen.

As the story goes, once I got into the game, again, being on the sidelines with the team, I began to embarrass the hell out of myself. A friend of mine, who is also in recovery today, recalls that I was being a blithering idiot on the sideline in front of several OSU donors and administrators. Apparently I had trouble standing up straight. My buddy, whom I did not know at the time, had approached the guy, who had originally given me access to the sidelines, to ask who the hell I was. My contact’s response was something like: “He’s just some dude that helps us out at the hotel.”

Apparently it got worse from there. As I found out later, at the end of the first quarter of the game, I had stumbled behind the sidelines and across the field, fortunately keeping out of the field of play, to a set of stairs that led out of the stadium. Apparently I had crawled on my hands and knees up the set of stairs next to the OSU Marching Band and in full view of the entire stadium to try and make a quick exit out of there, hopefully undetected. Epic fail.

Later that night I came to in the front seat of my car having not known how I had gotten there. On top of that, I was in a city park nowhere near where I had left my car before the game. Clearly I had driven in a blackout to my current location. It was 2AM. After clearing the fog from my eyes I noticed that there was still a half of a fifth of whiskey sitting in the passenger seat. Gratefully, I picked up the bottle, drank the rest of its contents and proceeded to once again pass out.

Five hours later I once again woke up. However, this time I was in my own bed. How the fuck had I gotten back? Fortunately I didn’t have time to assess the evening at that point because I had places to be.

That Sunday morning my running team and I were scheduled to pose for a photo shoot on and around the trails in Corvallis for a feature in a local visitors guide. Amazingly I arrived at the shoot in time, having somehow rustled my shoes and running kit together. After about an hour of being photographed, the thick haze of my hangover was beginning to fade. Somehow I was able to jaunt around the trails with my team to capture some iconic shots featuring the lush Corvallis outdoors. Once we wrapped the shoot up, I returned to my car to prep for the days run. With whiskey and wine still flowing in my veins, I completed a solid 20 mile trail run up and down the hills of Corvallis, trying to reflect on what the hell had happened the night before. Oh, and I felt great doing it. At the time I was totally oblivious to the shame and embarrassment that would arrive in just a few months

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JSN Mindfulness Project – Day 20: Thanks For Being a Part of the Journey

Day 20:

3:45AM – Coffee/Meditation

Yesterday was all about being in the woods and feeling whatever there was to be felt.  Talk about free therapy…

Perhaps it’s serendipity, perhaps it’s luck. Maybe it was just meant to be.  I started this 20 day mindfulness challenge because I was hurting, emotionally, mentally, and physically.  I couldn’t bear to have the voices in my head take over every moment of my life.  Perhaps I had reached another bottom of sorts, a bottom much different than what I had gone through with drinking, one that has proven more insightful and revealing.  I really didn’t know what would come of this challenge, my only hope was that it would help create new habits around a better sense of mindfulness.

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I feel like I’ve just finished a hard 3 week training block of writing…signing off for a bit.  Thanks for letting me share this process.  Peace!

I’ve completely broken down four times in the last four days, full on tears and anxiety.  Once in therapy, twice in “the rooms,” and today during my run.  These episodes seemingly came out of nowhere.  All I’ve been trying to do over the last 20 days is breathe more, feel more, and be present, not necessarily have all-out fucking emotional breakdowns.  But, that is what has happened.  For me, over the last few weeks various wounds have been opened that have exposed things about me that I didn’t previously have any clue about.  Most of my “why’s” in life have been completely upended and challenged. I don’t necessarily know where to go and what to make of it.  When you find out that the way you’ve been living and what you’ve been telling yourself about who you are for the better part of 30 years isn’t necessarily reality, it really fucking hurts.  I’m confused, upset, and angry about things that had once buried deep within my conscious.  Now, they have resurfaced and there is even more major work to be done.

Today I’m not quitting this process of self-discovery.  I’m too deep inside the rabbit hole.  Now I want to push through the other side and have some happiness re-enter my life.  Yes, running for me makes me happy.  But, I want to be around my friends more often, not be on edge all of the time, and I want to have fun in life.  I’m trudging through this fight alone because I choose to.  Only a few people in my life truly understand what I’m going through because they’ve been there and they’ve seen it. I owe my life to these folks.

Moving forward I feel confident knowing that I will be able to continue on this path with a better, more enhanced, sense of mindfulness than what I had before.  The habits are there, now it’s time for me to stick to them in a private and anonymous manner, without the accountability of reporting everyday.  Ultimately, I am only accountable for myself, my mind, my suffering, and my will power to keep pushing.  I have to remember that I do indeed have the power to create my own reality, one that is congruent with who I am, not in the past or in the future, but just today.

Thank you for being part of this little mission of mine. Other than helping myself I do hope that I’ve been able to help someone else out there who shares the same struggles as I.  With that, it’s time to hit the trails and get in some active therapy in the woods.

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JSN Mindfulness Project: Day 19 – Into Action…

Day 19:

4:30AM – Coffee/Meditation

Along with Autobiography of Yogi (evening reading), I’m diving back into Fit Body, Fit Soul, for daytime reading and studying.  This time it’s different, I’m taking notes and going apeshit with my highlighter.  For me there are so many important and relevant concepts buried within the main theme of “having a fit soul and a fit body is the secret to true happiness.”  There are other books that I’ve paid as close attention to, the Big Book for one, but the way Mark and Brant (authors) lay out their content, it’s just so simple for me to read, soak in, and apply.

According to their research, stress will be the number one occupational hazard in this century.  I believe it.  The stress that I feel from people, places, and things, when I’m not being mindful, can be completely overwhelming.  Now that I’ve seen just how much stress can affect my mindset and mood I’m hyper-aware of situations that other people bear witness to.  In the pharmacy, grocery store, traffic, coffee shops, it’s everywhere.  Have you ever stood in line at a pharmacy and just watched people as they go through the process of having their prescriptions filled?  Holy hell, it’s my nightmare.  God bless Jeff (aka, #10, best friend), I couldn’t do it like he does. Furthermore, stress is linked to the top six causes of death in the United States:  heart disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents, cirrhosis of the liver, and suicide.  For me, I feel grateful to have identified its true effect on my lifestyle.  Now it’s just a matter of applying the tools I have learned through mindfulness to better defend myself against a condition that previously caused an undeniable amount of personal heartache.  Here’s the most important tool for me, brought to light by my guy Wude:   insert gap, take 3 deep breathes, move forward.  It seems to work every single time.

10:00AM – I just returned home from a very intense and powerful therapy appointment.  Never before have I shed so many tears and found myself so exposed and vulnerable in such a setting.  Luckily, other than an afternoon run, I don’t have any commitments.  In using the mindfulness techniques that I have learned over the last couple of weeks I am going to do my best to take care of myself for the rest of the day.  Today I’m in desperate need of peace, quiet, and a sense of tranquility to help process what I just experienced.

That’s all for the day.

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JSN Mindfulness Project: Day 18

Day 18 –

4:15AM – Coffee/Meditation

Intentionality.  For me it’s now about doing one thing at a time.  I tend to thrive when I focus on doing an act of singularity as opposed to trying to “multi-task,” whatever that word means.

Normally in the mornings after coffee, meditation, and breakfast, I launch into about an hour of stretching and foam rolling to get ready for my morning run.  While doing so this morning I had a bit of a breakthrough.  Instead of listening to a good quality podcast (my go-to’s are Rich Roll, Michael Gervais, Julie Piatt, and Guru Singh) I kept the radio off and focused on just the single act of stretching.  My only focus was to prepare my body for the days physical efforts.  To my surprise something else happened.

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Feeling the wind gusts on top of Hart Mtn in Eastern Oregon last fall.  During that particular adventure, under the vast Eastern Oregon sky, I felt free (and really freaking lost).

While rolling out my left quadricep I had a very profound flashback from when I was a child.  At this point of my journey I am not ready to talk publicly about what specifically happened, all I can say is that the memory came rushing back with a vengeance and I was reminded of a very significant turning point in my emotional development;  I re-lived the moment that I became hostage to the idea of needing reassurance for everything that I have ever done as a human being.  Moments after this flashback I find myself sitting here writing in complete awe, fascinated as to why this memory had not resurfaced sooner.  The instance that I speak of is a very important fabric to my being, I cannot believe that I haven’t acknowledged it’s existence with more persistence.

Would this realization have happened if I had been stretching and listening to the radio (ie. multi-tasking)?  Maybe, maybe not.  Who’s to say when the memory would have resurfaced. However I do believe that this morning, acting with sheer intentionality, something important occurred that may not have happened if I had been doing more than one thing at a time.  The puzzle that is my life continues to come together and I feel lucky for it.

I feel a sense of purpose as I approach today.  I feel detached from a results-driven mindset.  I am truly beginning to see the effects of the last 18 days of practicing a better sense of mindfulness.  Today will be about living in the moment, the present, feeling each step as I push forward in this journey of self-discovery.  Today I feel free to go kick some fucking ass on my own terms.

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JSN Mindfulness Project: Day 17

Day 17:

4:30AM – Coffee / Meditation

Here’s why I have trouble sometimes with Facebook.  You know when you login and there is a section that gives you suggested friends?  Well, yesterday I saw a guy that I used to be “friends” with come up, meaning that at some point he had “unfriended” me.  It pissed me off for about an hour on the drive home yesterday.  I realize this is ridiculous thinking in so many ways.  Who’s to say why he “unfriended me” or if he had to start his account all over again. Maybe it has nothing to do with me.  The point is, why the fuck do I care?  Something inside me may still need the approval that I’m a good person.  It’s silly to me the stuff that can sneak through the cracks and affect me like that sometimes.  Perhaps it’s another reminder to stay persistent on the only work I have the power to do, on myself.

While meditating this morning the welcomed thought and reminder came through about how I can cope with emotional stressors.  Part of the reason why I took on this 20 day challenge was to create habits around the idea of mindfulness, implementing techniques to help me navigate the comings and goings of any given day.  I am reminded that I have the power to create my own reality, my reactions to stress are of my own making, no one else’s.  For me, I tend to create my own suffering by letting my thoughts dictate my actions.  Therefore, if I stay diligent on responding to stress by being calm, having a smile, and quieting my mind, I feel like I will continue to have a chance at getting through any situation that life throws my way.

7:00PM – I had a hard conversation with a close friend last night about the struggles I am having in my mind lately.  It was a tough situation to talk about, for both parties I’m sure.  For me, it’s important that I continue to be open and honest with my friends.  The minute I start bottling shit up and internalizing all of my thoughts and feelings is when I can plummet down the rabbit hole and into a cave of self-pity and despair.  I don’t want to go there but for some reason I’m still drawn to that place.

Meditation/ginger concoction/reading/bed.  I’m tired tonight.

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JSN Mindfulness Project – Day 16

Day 16:

4:30AM – Coffee/Meditation

There is a certain level of mystery and aura to Southern Oregon.  Perhaps, maybe, the strange Vortex in Jacksonville has something to do with it.  Off the beaten path on the northern edge of the Siskiyou Mountains lie the quaint and rural communities like Ruch, Buncom, Williams, along with the Applegate recreation area. Each town reminds me a bit of Worthington, the town I grew up in.  I could see myself living here someday.  Rumor has it that Steve Miller (Steve Miller Band) owns an multi-thousand acre ranch in Williams.  Each time I visit there I feel like I’m entering the land that time has forgotten.  Then you add in the plethora of idyllic and rugged trails that scale the ridge lines and peaks, which for me, adds to the idea that Southern Oregon is a little slice of heaven.  After being here, yet again, my enthusiasm to explore the area is more profound than ever.

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Looking down from one of the many ridge lines that surround Applegate Reservoir

Once you enter the heart of the Siskiyou’s cell phone coverage becomes nonexistent.  There are no beeps, notifications, alerts, or voicemails that come through.  For me, the silence and detachment from the outside world only adds to the idea of this place being special to me.  I feel “off the grid” in many ways. Furthermore the silence provokes and encourages a sense of peace, quiet, and the opportunity to practice mindfulness.  Southern Oregon is becoming a sanctuary of sorts, a place where I can enjoy the mountains, for hours on end, and not run into a single soul.  This remote corner of Oregon is pure, raw, and authentic.  The love affair shall continue.

Yesterday mornings mental carnival ride is still bothering me.  I think I know the reason why, which is helping me to let go of the episode and focus on the upcoming day of being back in the mountains.  Letting go of certain situations has been very hard for me over the last few days, despite the focus I have on practicing mindfulness.  The peace and quiet this weekend has helped, however I know that this external interlude of serenity, once I enter back into the world of hustle and bustle, could be fleeting if I deny being in the NOW.

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Cruising the Payette trail and ran into this bridge

6:30 PM – Having just returned from the drive from Southern Oregon I’m in some serious need of a little meditation to calm my body and mind down.  I’m jacked up from driving, having put Daft Punk’s Alive 07 album on volume 11 for the last stretch from Eugene to Adair Village.  Might have had an extra cup of coffee too.  Oh well, it’s what helps get me through long drives.

It’s nice to be home, refreshed from a solid 3 days in the mountains.  I feel like I put some good work in for my head running around the endless trail system that the Siskiyou’s have to offer.  The only conflict that I came across during todays run was a bout of hunger.  Yesterdays tension and strain seemed to have been alleviated and left on the trails by virtue of letting go; today was all about reminding myself that there is no conflict in the mountains.

I’m about to start reading Autobiography of a Yogi, of which I’ve heard many great things.  I’m excited to see what it unveils.

Check out the blogpost that started this journey through mindfulness:  https://spencernewell1032.wordpress.com/2017/03/11/the-fight-with-my-mind-something-needs-to-change-today/

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