4:45AM – Coffee/Meditation
H.A.L.T: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. I love this acronym. When I feel anxious and un-present I can usually trace either sensation back to one of these four feelings. Normally it just stays at one. Today however, I’m feeling the effects of two of the four. I’m hungry and I’m tired. I’m hungry because my metabolism is running at 110%, I can’t seem to put enough calories down in the last few days. Trying to stay on top of nutrition and caloric intake can be tough sometimes,f I’m still sorting out what type of food and calories my stomach can handle when it requires more than the amount that I’m normally used to. For me, this is certainly progress if I compare today with a couple of years ago when I was intentionally limiting calories to lose weight.
Being tired is another beast in and of itself. That being said it’s much easier for me to handle now than it has been in the past. For me, being tired is simply a part of the training process. Periodization, the methodology I use for training, emphasizes a gradual build in fatigue followed by periods of rest to metabolize the hard training weeks into fitness. Typically I feel the most tired towards the end of week 2 of a 3 week build period. So, it makes sense that I’m feeling fatigued at this point in the training cycle. But here’s the tricky part with being tired for me. In the past when I’ve been tired my mind begins to fire up and tell me that I’m not strong enough or worthy enough to train at this level. It sprinkles thoughts of weakness, despair, fear, and anxiety; rather than being passive with these thoughts my default setting normally settles in to listen to them and heed their advice (being true to my false-self/living-in-the-past mentality). Not today.
Yes, there is an element of self-awareness in being tired. Each day when I feel tired I engage a level of discernment as to how I really feel. I ask myself “why am I tired?” Is it because I’m physically overdoing it or is it because it’s just where I am in the process? I’ve struggled with answering this question for myself in the past. Remember, for this addict, more is usually better. Not being honest with myself has led to injury, among other things. Luckily, rather than react to the feeling of being tired, I can employ a new technique for discernment: clear the mind, get into my body, feel what’s going on, breathe, and make a judgement call. We’ll see how it goes today.
2:30PM – In keeping with the running theme today: Recently, over the past couple of years, I have struggled to find the confidence to run with people. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company, it’s because I haven’t had the confidence as a runner to be OK to ask to slow down or hike on steep hills, especially if I’m shooting for an easy day. I know it’s my ego talking. It’s hard to hold the negative thoughts at bay sometimes. For long stretches of time, sometimes months, I only ran by myself, on purpose, to avoid any mental conflicts I would instill upon myself. That being said, running on my own is very therapeutic and meditative for this introvert, but still, I would like to continue to develop the confidence to run with others. I know it’s a good way to have social contact and good conversation. With that, I’m really freaking proud to say that I’ve run with people for the last three days and it’s been a blast!
Insert gap, take 3 breathes, move forward. Time for some Headspace.
Check out the blogpost that started this journey through mindfulness: https://spencernewell1032.wordpress.com/2017/03/11/the-fight-with-my-mind-something-needs-to-change-today/