3:45AM – Coffee/Meditation
Yesterday was all about being in the woods and feeling whatever there was to be felt. Talk about free therapy…
Perhaps it’s serendipity, perhaps it’s luck. Maybe it was just meant to be. I started this 20 day mindfulness challenge because I was hurting, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I couldn’t bear to have the voices in my head take over every moment of my life. Perhaps I had reached another bottom of sorts, a bottom much different than what I had gone through with drinking, one that has proven more insightful and revealing. I really didn’t know what would come of this challenge, my only hope was that it would help create new habits around a better sense of mindfulness.
I’ve completely broken down four times in the last four days, full on tears and anxiety. Once in therapy, twice in “the rooms,” and today during my run. These episodes seemingly came out of nowhere. All I’ve been trying to do over the last 20 days is breathe more, feel more, and be present, not necessarily have all-out fucking emotional breakdowns. But, that is what has happened. For me, over the last few weeks various wounds have been opened that have exposed things about me that I didn’t previously have any clue about. Most of my “why’s” in life have been completely upended and challenged. I don’t necessarily know where to go and what to make of it. When you find out that the way you’ve been living and what you’ve been telling yourself about who you are for the better part of 30 years isn’t necessarily reality, it really fucking hurts. I’m confused, upset, and angry about things that had once buried deep within my conscious. Now, they have resurfaced and there is even more major work to be done.
Today I’m not quitting this process of self-discovery. I’m too deep inside the rabbit hole. Now I want to push through the other side and have some happiness re-enter my life. Yes, running for me makes me happy. But, I want to be around my friends more often, not be on edge all of the time, and I want to have fun in life. I’m trudging through this fight alone because I choose to. Only a few people in my life truly understand what I’m going through because they’ve been there and they’ve seen it. I owe my life to these folks.
Moving forward I feel confident knowing that I will be able to continue on this path with a better, more enhanced, sense of mindfulness than what I had before. The habits are there, now it’s time for me to stick to them in a private and anonymous manner, without the accountability of reporting everyday. Ultimately, I am only accountable for myself, my mind, my suffering, and my will power to keep pushing. I have to remember that I do indeed have the power to create my own reality, one that is congruent with who I am, not in the past or in the future, but just today.
Thank you for being part of this little mission of mine. Other than helping myself I do hope that I’ve been able to help someone else out there who shares the same struggles as I. With that, it’s time to hit the trails and get in some active therapy in the woods.