Holy shit, yesterday afternoon and last night was a pretty crazy and humbling experience. It needed to happen, and I’m glad that it did. Ironically I did get some sleep which is unusual considering the circumstances. Here’s what happened after I posted. Computer turned off, phone was off by 8, and I actually put into practice some of the things that I have learned over the past 13 months. Perhaps it was an overall victory.
I had two very distinct dreams last night. Dream number one was that I was at a wedding and I was pretending to be OK by drinking Coors Light’s and Crown. People that I used to party pretty hard with were there, we were going hard, and I didn’t feel guilty at all. In fact I took out my one-year sobriety chip and showed everyone that I could stay sober for a year, and I remember it feeding my ego. Then dream number two started which transported me back to San Francisco for the North Face 50 Miler. It was snowing in the Headlands, and the start of the race was in a meadow that seemed to take the same appearance as a field I used to XC ski in as a kid. My buddy Zach was there, Steph was there too, and I remember feeling relieved that I was in my comfort zone, a race situation, away from the wedding that I had experienced just hours beforehand in my sleep. I would say it was a pretty interesting slice of my mind, polar opposite situations that are still certainly on my mind which serves as a reminder: My days as a recovering alcoholic are still very much with me, I am not out of the woods yet. One year is in the books, yes, but the hard work has just begun. Keep pushing dude.
Now the hard part as the next 24hrs will require me to put into practice more of the things I have learned. Here’s the situation, a very good friend of mine is having a book release party tonight in Corvallis, lots of friends will be there, and I want to be there for him. But this morning at 5:26AM I cannot stomach the thought of it, being there makes me nervous as hell. It’s nothing personal, it’s my own shit and my need for reflection of yesterdays delicate situation. I will let him know today as I’m sure he’ll understand where I am coming from. My biggest challenge with this is not feeling like I am letting him down. But fuck, I need to be OK with asking for space, especially from situations where alcohol will be present. I’m not isolating, I’m asking for space, to think, process, learn, and remember the challenges that I face and remember the fact that I have to respect my problems with addiction and alcohol.
My old sponsor used to ask what I learned from every experience that I faced in my new-found sobriety. Last night I learned and remembered the fact that the journey of recovery is far from over, in fact, it will never be over. It is about the process, it is about the journey. Respect it, and maintain the ultra running adage of Relentless Forward Progress.