I am finding that the holidays are a time for reflection, a time to look back at the year, to check in on myself and the progress that I’ve made, not only with sobriety, but with life. This holiday season is especially hard because I am not at home in Worthington at the house that I grew up in. What makes it even harder is that this Christmas will be the last year that part of my roots will be in Worthington as my mom has made the decision to join me out west in Oregon. I will no longer be able to call 22 Harvey Road my home.
Earlier this year I felt compelled to write out my fears. Here is that list, as written in February 2015:
Today here are the things that I fear:
– I fear being alone
– I fear that I’ve lost friends because of how open I have been during the last year about my struggles with sobriety
– I fear that because of the societal stigma of alcoholism/addiction that I will never find a partner in life
– I fear that I am unlikable as a person
– I fear that life-balance is not within my reach
– I fear that my past transgressions in life will haunt me forever
– I fear that I will never amount to anything
– I fear that I will miss out on the last ever Motley Crue tour
– I fear that I will never get to travel to parts of the world that I have never seen like Italy, Australia, the Caribbean, hell, Alabama for that matter
– I fear that my introversion will prevent me from sustaining any meaningful future relationships
Here is a brief look at how my fears from earlier this year sit today:
– I fear being alone – I still have this fear; however, as I grow more comfortable in sobriety and in my own skin, this fear is beginning to pass. I am surrounded by an amazing team of people at the moment.
– I fear that I’ve lost friends because of how open I have been during the last year about my struggles with sobriety – I no longer have this fear. I may have lost touch with friends from the past for whatever reason, maybe it was because of sobriety, maybe not. However, the people who have come in to my life over the last year have been some of the most caring, kind, and supportive people. I feel very lucky with the company that I keep today.
– I fear that because of the societal stigma of alcoholism/addiction that I will never find a partner in life – I no longer have this fear. I believe that if I am true to my heart and to myself that I will, and may just have, found that person who will stand by me for who I am today.
– I fear that I am unlikable as a person – I’m beginning to let go of this fear. As time goes on and I become more and more comfortable with myself I realize that I may just be likable. This is a work in progress.
– I fear that life-balance is not within my reach – This is still a struggle. With the work/life transition that I undertook this past summer I am still trying to find the right balance between work, athletics, sobriety, and life. The more time that goes by I am finding that they may just all blend together. In large part I do still feel that I am unwinding from the corporate mindset that I was in for the better part of a decade. Taking things day by day helps me to work through this challenge.
– I fear that my past transgressions in life will haunt me forever – I no longer have this fear. I am comfortable knowing that my past is, in fact, my past. What’s done is done. I live for the day, not yesterday, not tomorrow, TODAY.
– I fear that I will never amount to anything – This fear is slowing beginning to pass with time. I understand that I have taken a risk in making the leap to start my own business. In all honesty, I don’t have the time or the energy to worry about never amounting to anything.
– I fear that I will miss out on the last ever Motley Crue tour – I kicked the living shit out of this fear. I got to see the Crue twice on their last tour, both with #10. Once in Eugene, once in Portland. #RIPmotleycrue.
– I fear that I will never get to travel to parts of the world that I have never seen like Italy, Australia, the Caribbean, hell, Alabama for that matter – This fear doesn’t exist as strongly as it did earlier this year. I am finding that if I keep up with networking and building my new business then I may have the opportunity to travel the world.
– I fear that my introversion will prevent me from sustaining any meaningful future relationships – I no longer have this fear. Even as an introvert I have met some amazing people this past year. I feel lucky to be an introvert because I am being true to myself and true to my heart. I am finding that as this continues to happen I meet more and more people who mean the world to me.
My hope in sharing this progress is that someone, somewhere, can know that they are not alone when it comes to living with fear. I am finding that fear is common, it’s just a matter of what we do with that fear. Do we let it stifle us? Or, do we let it go? I do not have the answer, just my experience.
Merry Christmas Eve!