That’s it, I’ve fucking had it. I’m so sick and tired of fighting the same inner battle. My mind got so in my way the other day that I almost completely quit the pursuit of a childhood dream just because of a little physical hurdle. Utter ridiculousness.
Once again my mind has been getting the very best of me lately. I’m so tired of succumbing to the relentless pressure I feel internally due to my minds ability to unleash its never ending opinions on my own self. The manifestation of negative thinking, due to my minds constant intruding presence, is severely getting in the way of me having any resemblance of inner-peace. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone were to find a full blown fucking carnival if they were able to see into what was taking place in my head lately.
Here are some simple facts that I currently relate to:
FACT: When I am not acting in a mindful manner I am severely effected by the noise of the outside world, of people, places, and things. If I go far enough down the rabbit hole I could put myself in danger as it relates to my sobriety. That’s a no no.
FACT: When I am not being mindful it’s hard not to be sucked in to the game of reacting to other people’s opinions, because let’s face it, opinions are like assholes and everyone’s got one.
FACT: When I do not practice a daily morning meditation all sense of balance in my life is completely thrown off for the remainder of the day. For me, being restless all day is exhausting.
FACT: When I stop simply focusing on my breathe I get lost in the jungle of the “what if’s,”, and the “I should’s.” Once this train leaves the station I’m off to the mindLESSness race that I’ve always seemed to default to.
I spent the day today in the remote southern Nevada desert. The sun was shining and there was peace rife throughout the endless barren landscape of nothingness. My phone was set to airplane mode. It was just me, an open road, and the occasional open range cow crossing the highway. For me, it was peaceful and pure. After awhile I figured it would be a good idea to re-connect with the world. All of the sudden, Bam, BAM BAM BAM, text after text, email after email, flooded my phones screen. Within the span of 4 seconds all of the mindfulness that I had worked on throughout the day went kapoot! I am certainly still a work in progress when it comes to my reactive nature as it relates to outside influences and distractions.
Lately, much to my friends and family’s dismay, I spend much of my day with my phone off. For years I was caught in the trap of constantly being attached to this relentlessly inviting device that always seemed to dictate and drive my day with a beep here, and ring there, and the constant Facebook notification alert. Back in a previous life I actually thrived in that atmosphere. Today, for me, that has changed. I still find myself very much in transition, unwinding from my former habits of self. Setting boundaries for me is becoming an extremely important practice. Some have accused this modus operandi, of paying less attention to my phone, as a way of practicing isolation. Other people can perceive what they want, I’m just tying to stay alive. It’s just what I’ve got to do. Luckily I know that I’m in a position where I don’t need to have the damn phone on all of the time. For this, I’m grateful.
For the sake of my readers and friends it must be understood that I am not trying to shut anyone out or discourage communication. Conversation with loved ones is a very important aspect of my life. I would never want that to change. For me, I just need to time and separation to work on my reactions and sense of urgency when I respond. My default setting is to always worry about other people before I worry about myself. Is this selfish? Maybe. Is it necessary? Yes. In a convoluted way worrying about other people in the past ultimately led me to my darkest days with drinking and addiction. It’s just a new way of thinking for me and it will take some time to adjust.
In recovery it is said that you can and should look for someone who you’d like to emulate and pursue, in your own way, what they have. The more I listen and surround myself with a mindful community the more I am inspired to lean more toward their way of living. I find myself having great admiration for people in this world who can live day to day with an overall sense of peace and tranquility. They have what I am looking for.
So, what’s it going to take to truly work on this? For me, I need a goal. Starting today, for the next 20 days, my goal is to write each and every day about how I approach mindfulness as a way of life. To be held accountable I’m going to blog every day about my experience in this revamped pursuit. There it is world, my ode to you, and to myself, to see if I can adopt a better sense of being present and mindful. Hell, I got a fucking tattoo to remind me to breathe, remember? Time to start walking the walk.